O Come, All Ye Faithful

Nothing has seemed less important over the last six months than updating my blog. But lately, I’ve been thinking about it again. Sometimes, I miss posting whatever YouTube video I’m obsessed with at the moment (currently: Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer") or some bit of randomness from my day. So here I am, trying to make a comeback.

My last post—which I have not even looked back on since I posted it, that I remember, but then, things have been a bit of a blur—asked for prayers for my mother and I am sure that all of them came through because in a few days, after just shy of four full months of hospitalization, she will be coming home. She will not be the same person she was; none of us will. But she will be home, and for now, that is an improvement.

I had the whole story of it typed out here, the details of what happened to her. But reading back on it, it just seemed too personal. My mother is charmingly lacking in social etiquette at times, and I’m sure would tell you at the drop of a hat about all that has happened to her. But I just don’t think it’s appropriate for me to do here.

The long and short of it is, she almost died. A few times over. But, she didn’t. She should have, and she didn’t. I thank God for that, because I know he heard my many, many prayers. I know that when I asked him to allow me to talk to her just one more time that day, he heard me. I know this because it happened.

This all may sound disjointed, but that’s just how it is. Some days, I am in tears because of the tragedy of it all, because everything has changed, and there will be no going back; some days, I cry because I feel so profoundly honored to be able to care for my mother, to be there when she needs me the most, to prove to her, myself and the world that I am loyal, reliable, a good daughter, a good human being. Some days, I cry out of frustration—with her for getting sick (irrational, I know), with the healthcare system for being so awfully disorganized and unhelpful, with life for not being easy. Occasionally, there are days when I smile and laugh, and feel as though everything is going just as it should be. Those, I haven’t quite figured out yet.

So that’s my story, vague as it is. Perhaps on another day, I will have more coherent thoughts about it all, and maybe I'll share them. I really would like to be able to convey just what an enormous spectrum my emotions, my psyche and my spirit have gone through since June 20, 2007. But right now, there are no words to suffice. One day. One day they will come.

For now, here: Have some YouTube.



(It's Jason Mraz, by the way. Recording gospel Xmas songs for his Nanny. Because he's that awesome.)