wow. i have not been online for a full week. not even just to check email.

oddly, the longer i went without being on, the less i cared about it. not that i'm doing anything that impressive or productive otherwise--unless you count racking up a record number of hours of Law & Order viewing--but...well it's just weird. i only came online tonight because i had to pay my student loan. otherwise...who knows how long it could have gone.

i had a long, trying workday today. first one in a long time wherein i actually felt like i was working. rather, doing the job i'm supposed to be doing--managing things, having responsibilities. and, i did a lot of filing. moved the 2001 files down to the bottom drawer, made new folders for the 2002 files. something about doing things like that is sort of calming. it's like an easy way to make life feel orderly.

i guess that's it. i don't really have anything interesting to say. and besides, Law & Order is on.

anyway.

saw Cabaret tonight. molly ringwald was in it. i was surprised at how well she can actually sing. not perfect, but that's right for the role--sally bowles is not a perfect singer. but molly was good. hell, molly was great. yay molly!

overall, though, the production lacked the zing it had when i first saw it (what, 4 or 5 years ago? whenever it first opened at the Henry Miller Theatre). back when alan cumming was in it. mmm alan...

by the way i am dying to get a bootleg video of Cabaret with alan and natasha richardson. someone used to sell them on ebay but apparently they don't anymore. oh wait, they sold them with alan and jane horrocks in it. which is also good! anyone knows where i might procure something such as this, please to let me know thank you.

i'm still pissed off about work, but sherry is trying her hardest to be cute now, and that means it's time for bed. nite.

i am working on it, but my ire is not subsiding. even a bowlful of frozen (well, microwaved, but from the freezer originally) spicy popcorn chicken blobs did not help. well, it did a little, as i have not eaten since about 2 pm *yesterday*.

i am burnt out on work. it just hit me like a hammer a few minutes ago.

i made an error at work today--forgot before i left for the day to tell someone to follow up on something that needed to be done. i went out for the evening and get home to find out (from my mom, one of my underlings at the job *snicker*) that apparently someone fairly blew up about it. it wasn't a life or death mistake. i feel bad about having made it, but it was nothing that really required one of my employees to publicly reprimand me in our staff log (as i understand she did--i'll see it for myself tomorrow).

i am just pissed off right now because--and i'm not saying that the people i work with are not hard workers, but--i literally work my ass off. i fill in when someone calls out sick. i fill in when no one else takes any open hours that are on the schedule. i stay late on just about every fucking shift i work. granted this is all part of my job, and i do get paid overtime for all of it, but it seems like it's gotten to the point where it's expected that, you know, i DON'T have to leave when i'm actually scheduled to leave. others are waiting at the fucking front door 2 minutes before their shift is up. if i'm on with another staff and we're both leaving at 9, i let them go at quarter of and i finish out my full shift. i try to be a good manager like that. i try to keep people happy. and right now all i'm getting in return is the feeling that i'm not doing enough, or not doing well enough, which supremely pisses me off. because i work very, very hard and take pride in my job and plainly, do not need this bullshit over one small mistake that, i might add, everyone there has made at some point, and many times over.

*deep breath*

it will blow over. i will vent about it to my manager tomorrow and she will assure me that i'm doing a fine job. she will encourage me to talk about it to the staff person that has a problem with me. i probably won't do it. i'd rather it just blow over, and it will most likely do just that. my manager will probably say something vague about the issue at hand at our next staff meeting--she's good at making specific problems sound general enough while still making it quite obvious to the person she's *really* talking to--and that will probably make them all hate me deep down even more, and right now i could give a shit.

*deeeeeeep breath*

i need a life. because this really shouldn't upset me this much.

i keep thinking...

some people try to get me to see my recent break up as a sad event, but one which i should be more understanding about. an event that is hard on both of us.

i try to see it this way. i really do.

but how much am i supposed to sublimate what i feel to worry about what he's feeling? yes i think about how he might feel. and the truth is, i have no idea. so i am left only with how i feel, which is terrible for the most part.

is it unreasonable for me to feel terrible? should i be able to be sad about it but realize that this is life and i have to just pick up and move on and be friends with him and feel bad for him, too? feeling bad for myself is a full time job. i'm not sure i can feel bad for anyone else right now.

how can i feel bad for someone who's hurt me so deeply? not feeling bad for him makes me feel inhuman, though. another thing that is wrong with me. add it to the long, long list.

i constantly feel like i can't make anyone understand what this has done to me. i can't stress enough how i feel i brought this all on myself. how i feel that this was a great failing on my part, and yes, i hurt him too, in addition to myself. so that doubles my anguish. but then i think of things he did that hurt me, too. and yet, they are overshadowed by what it seems i did wrong in the relationship. and there is so much of that.

i'll say this here because nobody reads it anyway: i'm not sure how i can live the rest of my life. period. i've pulled myself out of life-sized messes before, but this...this feels like it's inescapable. i can try to get out of the depression like i've tried so many times before, and perhaps i'll succeed. maybe i can go on the 'i'm not such a bad person' kick yet again and convince myself of it yet again, and lead a productive life. but it feels like it will be an empty victory. because i know deep down now, i know how i am, deep down. maybe i could be capable of being a good, happy person and be happy with being alone. or i could be a good, happy person that some man would be happy to be with. but i was not that person for the man that *i* wanted to be with. and i lost him because of that. so really. tell me. how am i supposed to move on now?

i'm noticing, now that my thoughts are all in a row like this, that i end each entry with a one-liner.

like this.

Hello Goddess

just wanted to try out this auto url post thingy blogger does, and thought i'd give a plug to this new razor i bought. it really is the best razor i've ever used. i am known for horribly bleeding shins and knees on shaving day, and i have not had one nick yet with the Venus. not one!

i lead a sad, dull life.

i think i just swallowed a hair. gross.

i'm listening to the olympics...a pair of figure skaters skating to some weird blues music...the commentators going nuts like it's monday night football...

at the opening ceremonies last night, when all the nations marched in, iran had this glowing graphic upon their entrance:

Population: 1.2 billion
Athletes: 1

wack. also, there was a noticeable lack of cheering when they (well, he) entered. it was sort of embarrassing. i mean we're supposed to be above that as americans, aren't we? supposed to not judge all (middle easterners) by the actions of a few (people who were not even from iran)? well, i guess we aren't. not that that's really any surprise.

anyhoo. work today wasn't so bad. 6 hours, but it went fast. everyone was in a pretty good mood. that always helps. tomorrow though one of the staff people called out sick so i have to work later than usual, again. the pains of being an assistant manager...

ok. going to enjoy my beverage now.

another day done, almost.

found out i have to work tomorrow. even though i have nothing else at all to do, i still don't want to work. even though i know it's better than sitting around the house feeling miserable.

but i like sitting around the house being miserable...

woke up in a sort of bad mood today. i was in a pretty good mood last night. what happened? no idea.

have a whole list of things i was going to do today, but have a feeling i won't do any of them. maybe one or two. the easier ones. like, go to dad's to fix some computer stuff for him, and pick up my paycheck. getting my windshield wiper fixed on the car, going shopping for new bras...those may require too much energy.

hm. how come when our president says 'vladimir putin' he sounds like he's about to snicker?

ah well. guess i'll go get in the shower.

um. two and a half hours now til i have to leave for work.

this is not a good situation.

if i go to sleep now, chances are i will not even hear my alarm at 6.30.

if i stay up i will have a lot of difficulty making it through the workday, and considering that i have to drive for a portion of the morning, being sleepy might not be the best idea.

why do i do things like this?

sigh. i just started reading articles about Jonathon Franzen for that link up there on the left, and before i knew it, here i am at almost 4.30 am. damn that pretentious author!

(by the way i do really like his book. he is a very good writer and it is an impressive work. but, he's not Shakespeare or anything. i mean, he makes this big deal [supposedly; i have a feeling some of his comments were taken out of context] about being all high-brow, and you know, i really haven't found so far any themes in his work that the average person could not understand. it's not lofty. it's an entertaining, modern story. anyway i think that the fact that it's published by farrar, straus & giroux is telling. i've never liked them, not since i did my college thesis and read some things about the poets and authors they've represented, who have been largely, if not entirely, white men. which you know. to me, speaks a good deal to this whole franzen situation.)

um. what time is it?

i think i'm getting the hang of this. it's kinda neat.

of course i'll probably undo all the stuff i'm doing right now fairly soon, when i get tired of this primary colored template. (no i didn't choose the colors myself. but i figured, hey, good idea to get away from my habit of making every web page a nice placid blue color...).

i have to be at work in...oh...about 3 and a half hours. um. perhaps i should go to bed.

hello.

i turned 29 today. er, wait. yesterday.

and i was thinking that i miss posting things to my stupid little site, which perhaps one person only reads anyway, but i for some reason enjoy posting to it anyway. though i can't deal with thinking of redesigning it yet again, or deciding what sorts of things to put in it, and subjecting my one possible reader to the same crap i've had on it for years.

so i thought, new year, new me, new site. start over. use blogger, as i am a lazy person and the less work i have to do to update, the better.

so we'll see how this goes.