it is 11.44 pm on st. patrick's day. i have not even finished one bottle of guinness and i think i may be too tired to finish even that. was in a giddy mood all day, then watched bush's speech on tv telling saddam hussein to shut up and get out...and yeah, that's going to happen. for the first time in a long time i'm kind of scared. for the first time in a year and a half or so, i started listening to planes flying overhead, thinking they sounded too low. listening to every car that drove into the parking lot. every person that clomped up or down the hallway stairs. i remember being like that for months after september 2001. stopping in the street and looking at planes flying by. watching the nyc skyline until planes flew past the empire state building, just to make sure they weren't going to fly
into it. i am dreading that feeling again of all my friends being in new york, and something bad happening, and not being able to do anything to help them.
which is an entirely selfish reaction. my mind hasn't really even addressed yet what the looming war will do to the people in iraq. bush says we will set up democracy there. who are we to do that? i'm not defending hussein or anything that's going on there, but, who are we? why is this our job? is this really some sort of good-for-the-world effort or us americans (or our government, or our president) imposing our values on the rest of the world?
i'm just thinking. none of this is very well thought out yet.
on the other hand, i watched some of the rock n roll hall of fame induction ceremony, and this year one of the inductees was the clash. mick jones was talking about how way back when, he realized that...well, it was something about authority not being about doing what's right, it's about having power. or something like that. god i wish i could remember exactly what he said...anyway i know what he was saying was true. but it made me sad, because to relate it to my own small world, at my job, i am the authority. and i do not 'rule' simply to show that i have power--i do what's right. i lead not for myself but for the interests of the people who live in my group home. i believe that in my heart to be true. every once in a while i get on a 'you have to do this because i'm the manager and i say so' trip--but even then, it is based in something right--it is because it is my job to make sure that the people who work there are acting in the best interests of the residents, that we adhere to state-imposed standards so that the state will allow these people to continue living in this house.
anyway, it made me think about authority, and power, and how fucked up it all really is. someone on cnn was talking about how there will be more terrorist attacks, here and abroad--that there is word that 'something big' is nearing fruition. and i'm thinking...why can't it be stopped? isn't this how we got in this mess in the first place? by not paying attention? by not taking action? maybe it's all more complex than i realize, but...wow, this is such a big thought in my head, i'm not sure how to get it out.
basically...being a microcosmic manager, i've come to see certain things about management in general. i see that many people in authority/management are either lazy, or ill-prepared to deal with what can sometimes be an overwhelming workload. this is why nj's social services departments are coming under attack these days--because nobody did anything about their caseworkers having caseloads that were impossible to cover, for years and years--and then a kid ends up dead in a basement in newark, the news gets a hold of it, and now, bam, social services is being revamped. why wasn't it revamped years ago? who let it get that way?
in my job, i see every day how easy it would be to let things slide. some days i have so much to do that it really makes my brain melt. but i get it done. because people depend on me. i don't think, well, i'll do this one thing, and this other thing, i'll forget about that until a year from now when it comes back to bite me in the ass. i do the one thing, then i do the other thing, and if i'm there 4 hours later than i'm supposed to be, oh well. it's my job and i have to do it. and if i absolutely can't, i tell people and ask them to help me figure out how to get it all done. and it all gets done. and i feel better when it is. always having undone tasks looming is a really bad feeling.
so this is why i get all riled when i hear things like, oh, people in the government knew about the people who eventually flew planes into the world trade center. it could have been prevented. well a lot of fucking good it does to say that now! how come they weren't stopped? how come my government, my president, doesn't look after my well being like i look after the well being of my group home residents? if people--politicians the world over--could get past the political bullshit--not worry about whose toes are being stepped on, or who we have to cater to or let get away with things because we need, say, their oil--and just think about the fact that they are in deed, in fact, in reality, responsible for people's lives...well, i imagine that would just be too overwhelming.
i don't know. i'm tired.
