REPRODEPOT FABRICS - your store for vintage reproduction fabric - and buttons, ribbon, retro gifts and retro clothing!

i want to live in this website...

i was thinking last night about how when i was, i think, 14, i had my first experience with a very good friend deciding they didn't want to be friends with me anymore (for reasons i still don't really understand...it was weird). i was very upset. and my dad told me something like, get used to it, people will always leave you no matter how much you love them. i remember at the time saying 'gee thanks, dad, that's exactly what i want to hear right now, and then many years later--i don't recall the occasion but hey, take your pick--understanding what he meant. granted i still don't think it was the right thing for him to say to me at that point, but...i'm fully understanding it again. everyone has left me. i'm trying not to be all oh-poor-me about it, but how can i not be? my best friend is not coming back. the only other friend i've had for the last year or so is in essence gone. so that's it. it really has happened to me over and over in life, which reminds me of another thing an older person told me once. when i was 18 or so, a high school teacher that i'd been friends with, after listening to another of my tirades about how misunderstood i was or something, told me that someday i would realize that it's not them, it's me. i don't know. is this a true statement? sometimes it is. it's definitely something that at times i've felt is entirely true, and at other times (like, say, now) has completely fucked with my head. but in essence it's true, isn't it? it's not everyone else that has the problem, it's me. everyone else is living their life, and here i am, not. it's not everyone else's fault, it's mine. but how can i possibly function when what my dad told me 16 years ago is again coming true? something that i always thought was just his skewed vision of the world is actually true. and i'm trying to be an adult about it, but...well honestly, i just can't be. i can't be happy for people who decide that living far away from me is a good thing, when i really need them here. i've tried to be happy but it all comes back to the current fact that people leave, no matter how much they love you, or how much you think they love you, or how much you love them regardless of how they feel about you. this is happening, and this is why i can't talk to anyone anymore, because i can't deal with it.

harrumph! rabbit rabbit

i love the internet.

i will publicly acknowledge that kristi is an amazing human being. this brought about by the fact that even though she has added new links to her list of links on her blog, my link is still at the top. even though i have been ignoring her for a month or more. even though i ignore her quite frequently. even though when i do talk to her i am full of misery and nastiness. she is a better human being than i.

what day is it? what week? month? may, maybe.

i have been hermiting lately, am out of touch with any reality that the general world may know.

i am also inebriated. went out with a neighbor tonight, out for the first time in many many months. i forced myself to go just to prove that i am not a hermit and a flake, though i still feel that deep down i am both. the only piece of wisdom i got out of tonight is that, so she says, one day i will wake up angry enough to make a real change in my life. otherwise, i believe i may have said too much and this all reaffirms that old x-files adage, trust no one. the idea that got me into this mess in the first place.

for right now i'm going to bed. because i am feeling too inward lately to share anything more than this with anyone, even you.