flashback
so i'm working at this store now, and every once in a while someone comes in to shop that i know--usually from high school. there've been a couple of people who i'm pretty sure wouldn't know be, but who i recognized--people who were a grade or two ahead of or behind me--and one in particular, from my grade, who comes in semi-regularly with her screaming, ill-behaved children. she looks miserable and though i'm fairly sure she knows who i am, she will barely even look me in the eyes, much less say anything to me. oh well.
this morning a woman came in who i thought looked familiar. i rang up her order and she turned to leave, then turned back and said, 'you look so familiar. what's your last name?' i told her, and she said, 'i'm alyssa,' and that we were in grammar school together. i knew this before she'd even said it; she looked so much the same. i blurted out, 'yes, i used to play at your house!' as i have fond memories of doing just that. she responded, 'yeah, and you had all those animals!' (a lot of long-lost childhood friends, on chance meetings, bring up all the pets i had as a kid. seriously, it was like upwards of 20 animals at a time of all wild varieties. but i digress.) she said she had just moved back to town with her husband, asked where i live, how i'm doing. i told her i'm getting married next week. i told her if she comes into the store at all we'd be sure to see each other again, and we left it at that. on her way out she said, 'have fun next week!' it was such a nice exchange.
but. i found after she left that i was replaying the scene in my head at breakneck speed. i was also had goosebumps but felt oddly hot, my heart was thumping. i was worried she was thinking that i looked bad, that i was uninteresting. she looked to be in great shape, neat appearance, easily friendly. i have messy hair (well, that is on purpose, but still) and bad skin and all my clothes are ill-fitting because of all the weight i've gained in the last year. i felt dumpy and i was sure she noticed.
but. i made a conscious effort to not fixate on it. and even though now, 12 hours later, i'm describing it, obviously still thinking about it, i didn't worry about it all day, but it took a serious amount of mental concentration to do so. it occurred to me that maybe i seriously do have some sort of anxiety disorder. i've thought that for a long time--this whole antisocial thing i've had going for years now, which just keeps getting worse and worse, has to have some sort of reason to it. but seriously, i felt it physically today. it was very weird. is this something i can change just by force of will? i don't know. thinking about changing my antisocial ways is kind of terrifying. isn't that a sign of anxiety?
aaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg!
this morning a woman came in who i thought looked familiar. i rang up her order and she turned to leave, then turned back and said, 'you look so familiar. what's your last name?' i told her, and she said, 'i'm alyssa,' and that we were in grammar school together. i knew this before she'd even said it; she looked so much the same. i blurted out, 'yes, i used to play at your house!' as i have fond memories of doing just that. she responded, 'yeah, and you had all those animals!' (a lot of long-lost childhood friends, on chance meetings, bring up all the pets i had as a kid. seriously, it was like upwards of 20 animals at a time of all wild varieties. but i digress.) she said she had just moved back to town with her husband, asked where i live, how i'm doing. i told her i'm getting married next week. i told her if she comes into the store at all we'd be sure to see each other again, and we left it at that. on her way out she said, 'have fun next week!' it was such a nice exchange.
but. i found after she left that i was replaying the scene in my head at breakneck speed. i was also had goosebumps but felt oddly hot, my heart was thumping. i was worried she was thinking that i looked bad, that i was uninteresting. she looked to be in great shape, neat appearance, easily friendly. i have messy hair (well, that is on purpose, but still) and bad skin and all my clothes are ill-fitting because of all the weight i've gained in the last year. i felt dumpy and i was sure she noticed.
but. i made a conscious effort to not fixate on it. and even though now, 12 hours later, i'm describing it, obviously still thinking about it, i didn't worry about it all day, but it took a serious amount of mental concentration to do so. it occurred to me that maybe i seriously do have some sort of anxiety disorder. i've thought that for a long time--this whole antisocial thing i've had going for years now, which just keeps getting worse and worse, has to have some sort of reason to it. but seriously, i felt it physically today. it was very weird. is this something i can change just by force of will? i don't know. thinking about changing my antisocial ways is kind of terrifying. isn't that a sign of anxiety?
aaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg!
